“A man who cooks is a weak man, divorce him.”

A friend of mine told me to divorce my husband.

She came to visit me one day. I was sitting on the couch, feeding my nine-month-old baby. My husband was in the kitchen, making a plantain sauce for our lunch.

My friend heard the sounds from the kitchen and her face changed. She looked angry.

“What is your husband doing in the kitchen?” she asked me.

I looked at her, surprised by her question. “Of course, he is cooking,” I replied.

“Eeh!!” she shouted. “Aru! An abomination! He is a weak man.

Only weak men go into the kitchen to cook for their wives. Or is it because he is a poor man? Even your husband knows you deserve better. Leave him. Find yourself a real, masculine man.” She said this with a nasty smile.

I felt my face get hot.

“You will not speak ill about my husband in my presence,” I said. “My husband is not a weak man. He is only helping me.”

She laughed a hard, mean laugh.

“When you were a child, where did your father sit when you came home?” she asked me.

I had to think for a moment.

“He would sit outside in his chair, or in the living room… but wait, what does that have to do with my husband?” I was confused.

“You have said it all, my dear,” she said.

“Men are supposed to sit. They are the protectors and providers. They watch what is going on. They do not walk around in the kitchen. I have said everything that is in my mind.”

After my friend Sasha left, her words stayed in my head. I started to see pictures in my mind. I asked myself questions.

Could it be true? Is my husband a weak man?

I asked myself this many times. I did not have an answer. But that day, a small seed of doubt was planted in my heart.

A week later, I was cooking in the kitchen. My baby, Junior, was with my husband in the sitting room. Then, I smelled that Junior had pooped in his pampers.

I heard the sound of the diaper straps being opened. I rushed into the sitting room. My eyes were wide.

“What are you trying to do?” I asked my husband.

He looked up at me with a kind smile. “I saw that Junior made a mess. It is okay. Go back to your cooking. I will clean him up and fix a new diaper.”

My friend’s words were loud in my ears, and I said loudly

“Do not fix it,” I said, my voice sharp. “It is not your duty. Stop being a weak man. Please, be masculine.” I took Junior from his arms. I walked to the bathroom to change and wash him myself.

As I walked away, I saw my husband’s face. He looked shocked. He looked hurt. But I did not care. I thought if I said these things, it would make him act like the strong man Sasha talked about.

I waited for him to try to help me again, so I could tell him more. But that chance never came again.

Slowly, I began to see a new side of my husband.

Before, if I was cooking and asked him to hold Junior so I could finish, he would say yes. Now, he would say no.

“Madam, carry your boy and go and cook, make sure my food is ready on time.” He would say.

He would cross his legs and watch the television. I would be in the kitchen, sweating like a Christmas goat.

Before, on some Saturdays, my husband would wake up early and help me wash the clothes. But now? My people, it was me. I washed. I cooked. I cared for the child. My husband did not seem to care.

This was not the masculinity I thought I wanted.

I went to tell Sasha about it. She told me, “Divorce him. He is now being unkind. Did I not tell you that he does not deserve you?”

You know that feeling? When someone is talking to you, and you know they are the reason for your problem? You took their bad advice. But a stupid part of you also wants to believe that maybe there is something better for you outside. That is how I felt.

I went to the court to ask how to get a divorce. They told me I needed a lawyer. They said I had to pay the lawyer 270,000 naira.

My brother, I was shocked.

Wait, for what? For me to get a divorce?

I was shocked again.

If I had 270,000 naira and I did not know what to do with it, I would use it to buy food and things for the baby. I would fill the house with good things.

I rushed to Sasha’s house to tell her what I learned. I wanted to tell her not to worry, that I would not divorce my husband again.

But when I got to her house, I saw something terrible. I caught her husband beating her. He was hitting her black and blue. She was crying and shouting.

“I feed you!” she cried. “I go to work and I give you my ATM card so we can have food! I cook and I wash! Yet you cannot even try to help me with one thing in this house! You are a wicked man! God will judge you! Even my friend who stays at home, her husband cooks and helps her! But for me, I am the Jack of all trades, and you are the boss!”

When she said “boss,” her husband rushed at her again and started beating her more.

I stood where I was. I could not move. I was like a stone.

I stood there because I finally understood my own stupidity. It washed over me like cold water.

Imagine. I had a man as kind as my husband. I took him for granted. Because of the words of a friend who saw what I had, admired it, and because she could not have it, she decided to destroy it for me.

I walked away quietly. They did not even know I saw them. I went back home.

The first thing I did was kneel down in front of my husband. Tears were in my eyes and streaming down my face.

“I am so sorry,” I cried. “I was stupid. I let someone deceive me. I listened to bad advice and I hurt you. Please, forgive me. I promise I will do better. I will never listen to side talks again.”

He forgave me. But it took time for his heart to feel warm again towards me. I was patient because I knew I had taken his kindness for granted.

Then one evening, I was in the kitchen. The light went off. I rushed to go and put on the generator. Since our problem, I was the one doing it.

But before I could even find my torchlight, I heard the sound of the generator coming on. My husband had done it for us. Ah, if you see the smile on my face!

He walked into the kitchen. He said to me, “My wife, marriage is about having each other’s back. It is about being helpful. Why should you be overwhelmed with work and chores when you have a partner? Why will you be cold at night when you have a partner to keep you warm? Marriage is about lending a hand when your partner is tired. Two are always better than one. But please, do not take my kindness for granted again. Now, hand me Junior. I will carry him.”

I felt so emotional. My heart was full. The speed I used to hand Junior to him was very fast! I thought he would just carry him and leave. But he did not. He carried our son, and then he hugged me. He hugged me tight. Then he sat with me in the kitchen as we talked and laughed like old friends.

Sasha tried to visit me again, but I had already told my gateman never to let her into my house. I also blocked her number and on all my social media.

The moral of this story is two-fold:

Do not let anyone else define your happiness. A strong marriage is built on your own love and teamwork, not on someone else’s idea of what is “right” or “masculine.” True strength is in kindness and support, not in pride.

Be careful of advice from people who are not living a life you want.

Sometimes, people who give the loudest advice are the ones with the most unhappy lives. They may try to pull you down to their level. Treasure a good partner, because a loving and helpful heart is a precious gift.

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